Advice to support friend

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JumpingJack	Advice to support friend	Lead	[-]
Posts: 25 (11/19/08 15:50:39) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None I had already put this in the abuse section but was recommended to cut and paste it into the relationship section for better response so sorry if you have already read this... I really need some advice here, I myself am not in a abusive relationship but a very good friend of mine is and I need help knowing what to do for the best for her. My friend calls me several times a week in tears because her husband has beaten her up again, he has hit her, pulled her hair, thrown food and water over her, etc. I am finding it increasingly hard to do nothing as she keeps telling me not say anything to anyone and I am trying to respect that while also telling her to get out of the relationship now before things go too far. In an ideal world I would like to give him a taste of his own medicine for what he has done to a women and my friend but I also recognise two wrongs don't necessarily make a right and the chances are he will take anything I do out on her, and really that is what stops me getting involved, the fact he would probably hurt her more. I could see it coming months ago when he started to control her and forbidden her from contacting me, I put it down to jealousy because there was no real reason for such action and not wanting to get involved for something unnecessary I left things and only spoke to my friend when she contacted me because she needed someone to talk to. She insists she will leave him but thinks it will take up to FOUR months or more, is she in denial? She has also spoke about severe depression, decline in health (weight loss, stress, etc) and even of thinking about suicide and told me she had the pills in front of her but not able to do it because of her kids. Other than being there to support her when she needs me, what else can I do help her?
wolfsteven		#1	[-]
Posts: 1226 (11/19/08 19:05:12) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	First, do you know for sure the abuse is real? Have you seen physical evidence. I am not saying she is lying, but I think in today's world you need more than just someone's word on these things. Assuming that it is real, then you need to insist that the next time it happens she call 9/11. If she won't, if she calls you when it happens, I would call the police. They will show up and if they see evidence of abuse they will arrest him on the spot. As you said this very well may be a matter of life and death. I don't know if she is lying, in denial, but 4 months sounds ludicrous. What is so special about 4 months? I don't get it. What am I missing?
Sandytoo		#2	[-]
Posts: 1867 (11/19/08 21:47:29) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	There reallly isnt anything you CAN do, short of what you already have or offering her and her kids a place to go. This may sound a bit harsh, but I think your friend is being unfair to YOU. Calling you several times a week with all the gory details of her abuse may make HER feel better, but whats it doing to you?.....especially the bit about the suicide. Doesnt she have family? A pastor or priest? I dont go along with her staying because of the kids....what does she think all this is DOING to her children? What the heck are they witnessing and what sort affect is this having on them, especially if its happeneing several times a week? It doesnt take 4 months to pack a few things you need and get the hell OUT of there with the kids. And it doesnt take ANY time at all to call the police if you are being beaten up. Talking to you about it isnt going to make it better....she needs to just get out.
timberandtwigs2001		#3	[-]
Posts: 2050 (11/20/08 02:08:29) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Abused women don't think rationally. What she says and does may make some kind of sense to her. Be true to yourself. Act in your best judgement. Act on her behalf. If people want us as freinds they must accept us knowing we are always going to act using our best judgement. Part of the reason a woman allows herself to be beaten and miused is because she has been conditioned to it, to some degree she thinks she deserves it. She has been conditioned to believe that she has no chance at life or happiness without him. He has convinced her of it. Being beaten is always followed by the reasons you deserve it. This does penetrate a womans brain over time. Abusers isolate. They do not want anyone around who creates options. In an unspoken way, if no one does anything, it sort of validates that she isn't worth helping. By teling you, she may be asking in her own way for you to do what she can't. Men who abuse say, "I wil killl you and they mean it". Do not question her, validate her worth. Use your words to combat her lack of self worth. You go to the authorities the next time this happens, take her to the ER for pictures and a report. She has been threatened that she will lose her home. He can and will be removed. He will be made to pay support and their are services in place to get her by until the legalities are settled. Be a friend in a different way. Forget what she says about her plan, you know it isn't realistic. He has her believing that as bad as it is, the worst is ahead if she runs to a friend or the police. That is not the worst for her, it is the best for her. It will be her beginning not her end. She may have enough of a case to get a restraining order now. She needn't face him in any of it. she can go to the family court, prepare a simple form that they will help her with. She takes the kids and goes away for a few hours and when she gets home, he is gone and won't be back. Why not call a domestic violence hotline for advice. They can provide a plan and a safe haven. They know what to say and how to say it. Usually a woman makes the move when they come to believe it is best for their kids. She has no self worth but she will protect her kids. She is not mentally healthy. This is really a matter for professional advice. Every phone book has a domestic hotline number. There is a way out that does not involve confrontation.
JumpingJack		#4	[-]
Posts: 27 (11/20/08 09:29:45) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I have not seen any physical evidence but I am not going to question my friend as I have no reason to disbelief her and I knew there was something wrong before she first told me by her voice alone, she initially wouldn't tell me but when you are good friends with someone I feel you can often sense when something is not quite right with them so I was persistant about questionign if everythign was ok over time and she broke down crying. It is not totally unfair by her to put lots of it on me as I told her to call me whenever something happens, just because I thought it would be a good idea to keep a log of events I hear about as they could come in use in the future and by taling to me it would stop herself getting isolated more than she is already. She has kind of justified why it would take longer to get out and by her logic it makes some sense, I don't want to go into it but I personally don't agree with it and would rather she got herself to safety now, however I have tried to look into domestic abuse as much as I possible can and understand from my reading it is not as easy as just getting away for victims of domestic abuse, it sounds easy I agree. I have told her that I will be there for her whenever she needs me day or night, I will support her no matter what decision she makes regarding the relationship in the short term but that the abuse is wrong and I want her to get away from him as soon as possible. I am also being positive with her as regards to her being an individual, I read somewhere that obviously self confidence would fall so I figure it is important to praise any positive actions she does and turn around and negative things she says about herself such as when she puts herself down, which she has done.
wolfsteven		#5	[-]
Posts: 1227 (11/20/08 17:49:50) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	JJ, I understand what you are saying. My point was just that you want to be sure if you are going to actually take action. That's all.
Sandytoo		#6	[-]
Posts: 1868 (11/20/08 18:09:05) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Documenting incidents of violence will help her, but since you are not a witness to the actual incidents, telling you isnt going to mean much. But if you are happy to talk to her everytime something happens, more power to you. It would upset me far too much. If her husband gets any suspicions that she is planning to leave, his violence may escalate. Planning takes time...she may not have it.
JumpingJack		#7	[-]
Posts: 28 (11/21/08 08:24:26) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	It is upsetting for me to hear but I would rather she talk to someone than isolate herself, I think she trusts me so to guide elsewhere doesn't seem right. Obviously I have given her support numbers and I am sure she has used them as I have told her I can only do so much and really the hard work has to be done by her and no one else can really do that for her unfortunately.
Sienna1972	Abused Women	#8	[-]
Posts: 88 (11/22/08 02:01:45) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	As Timber put it, "abused women don't think rationally". There is a woman I work with who was in an abusive relationship. It was frustrating for those of us who cared about her because she would tell us the horror stories and all we could do is sit back and worry. She could even end up resentful of you for interfering even though she put you in a position that made you feel like you should step in. A woman is not going to get out of something like that until she is ready. I don't know if you've ever seen the show "Cops" but there are so many incidents of someone hearing a domestic disturbance, the cops showing up, and the clearly battered woman jumping to the defense of her abuser. It's a sad thing. I don't understand how a woman could allow herself to go through that. I would however take Sandy's advice and tell her to document absolutely everything. If you want to help her, offer to photograph bruisings, etc. But if she doesn't want any help apart from calling you up and crying on your shoulder I think I would explain to her that you want to be her friend but you can't help her if she won't help herself and all she is doing is spreading her own misery around. It is unfair and actually selfish of her to put you in that position if she doesn't have a plan in place to get out. You can let her know of resources that are available. You can assemble a team of friends to help her move. You can tell her if she decides to leave that there will be several MEN there while she breaks the news to her spineless husband. Because men who abuse women will tuck their tails between their legs around another man and avoid confrontation. Another thing to think about is this: An abuser gets very crafty at their abusiveness. They often go for the fleshy parts of the arms so the bruises can be easily concealed by clothing. So even if no signs are present to you it doesn't mean it isn't happening. But all you can do is offer her support and if she doesn't take it you've done your best.
timberandtwigs2001		#9	[-]
Posts: 2054 (11/22/08 02:53:29) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I think the worst thing to do is act without professional advice. What may seem like helping to you, may actually be enabling her to stay. It sounds like a good plan but is it? I think it is a good first step. I think I would keep that plan in place but I woud qualify it to myself. If she calls me again, I promise myself that I will call adult protective services and the police. The longer this goes on, the more his intimidations are effective. The only thing being validated is that he can do this and get away with it. You take it a step further.
JumpingJack		#10	[-]
Posts: 29 (11/27/08 15:16:25) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Had a really long talk to her tonight for the first time in a while without being interrupted. We discussed everything and though she is not comfortable calling professional help such as DA helplines she is thinking clearer and I was able to make her reconsider her plans a bit, in which I questioned what happens if what you think will happen, doesn't? I also convinced her to talk to her doctor and to be honest with them, I am really hoping our discussion has helped her, she seemed a lot better for talking.
timberandtwigs2001		#11	[-]
Posts: 2055 (11/28/08 04:26:04) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	When she tells someone it becomes real.
JumpingJack	Update	#12	[-]
Posts: 30 (12/29/08 09:45:31) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Just thought I would update you on this issue, she has threw him out over a month ago and although it has been hard for her, I think she has come through it a stronger person and she knows she done the right thing. Obviously she is still getting over it all and I often get those middle of the night calls where she is crying, etc but the big step has been made.
timberandtwigs2001		#13	[-]
Posts: 2066 (12/29/08 18:35:11) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Good for her, a tough situation to go through over the holidays. I'd talk about the New Year, her new life and new start. It might be fun to take her out for New years. A fun reason to get all dressed up and go out.
Sandytoo		#14	[-]
Posts: 1883 (12/30/08 20:34:27) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I am glad to hear that Ending a marriage is scary no matter what the reason. She WILL come through and realize that, despite the pain she feels now, a new, happy life is hers for the taking. Thanks for the update

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